I am Fine Now

It's been four months since the miscarriage and 3 months since the hemoharage and surgery. I am fine now. I am still devastated about the baby when I think about it. It doesn't consume my every thought anymore. I am no longer anemic and completely healed form everything. It took time but, physically I am healed and I can have more children. Emotinally I am not crying alot anymore and I am no longer depressed. One day I was just like, I am done now; and I was. It was I have to say, the hardest and saddest time of my life. I never expected, I would lose and bury a baby. I never expected complications that would lead to surgery and blood transfusions. It was so much all at once. It was quite overwhelming. I did dig into my faith for healing and strength. My husband was very supportive and I was blessed with a great deal of support from friends and family. I know not all woman have this but, you are not alone. There is support.

I am writing this while overlooking the ocean and it is a beautiful day. I know I am blessed and life goes on. I don't think of my emergency hospital experience in terms of fear. I try not to rehash it very much. I am thankful for having the services available to save my life. I just want to go on now to help other woman. I am using my experience to help others heal. I know I am still healing. I am not quite ready to have another baby and sometimes wonder if I want to go through it at all. I am not there yet. I am however enjoying intimacy with my husband again. I really didn't know how or when that would happen. All I can tell you is time heals all.

I am now moderator of a yahoo group to help woman who are trying to get pregnant after miscarriage. I am also hoping this website and facebook group can help support and woman to make informed choices. I am just focusing on being of service to others and hope I can do so, successfully.

All I can say is I am fine now.

A License to Rape
by Birth Without Fear on December 9, 2010
*I understand there are good doctors and midwives. To those that listen to and respect women, thank you. This blog post is about the many that do not.
Rape? A doctor?  A midwife? Yes. Birth Rape to be more exact. I remember the first time I read about birth rape. At first it is shocking to see birth and rape in the same sentence. To be honest, I never thought I would use the term, but it happens and I am not going to pretend it doesn’t. I’ve had enough.
There are many mamas on our BWF Facebook page now. It’s a wonderful community of women (and some men). We often get updates that a BWF mom has birthed and celebrate in their empowering experiences. They may have birthed at home, in the hospital, had a vaginal birth or c-section. It doesn’t matter as long as they felt they made educated choices on what was best for them and their baby and that those choices were THEIRS to make.
This week however, one mama posted something a little different when announcing the arrival of her sweet son. She labored at home, then when she felt she needed to, went to the hospital. She was given the help she needed and continued to labor beautifully. When she was 9 centimeters, that changed.
“The doctor said he wanted to check the baby’s position and the pressure of my pushing. He had been great so far so I let him. While inside of me, he decided to manually dilate the last lip of my cervix. He HURT me. I had bright red bleeding and he BROKE my spirit. I ended up having a c-section.”
We had a discussion about this on our FB page and other women commented about their experiences. Here are a few.
“My mother had just birthed her 6th child (so it’s not like she was new to the game) and her 20 something yr old Dr. decided that her placenta wasn’t delivering fast enough for him to get to his flying lesson. Against my mother’s (loud!) protests, he reached in and yanked it out himself. He scarred her uterus so badly that she had miscarriages for 4 years.”
“It sure felt like rape to me. Of course no one else at that time would have ever agreed. When I compared my c-section and what led up to it to rape, my husband finally understood how horrible it was for me. Do people honestly think if the trauma women incur was no big deal, that we would have such a huge number of women with PPD and PTSD?”
“My midwife started stretching my cervix after 30 something hours of intense back labor. She did not ask my permission or even warn me. The pain of that was even worse than my contractions (I have a very sensitive cervix). When I begged her to stop she kept going, told me to trust her, and that I would be glad she did this. Well what did I do? I had a total complete meltdown and asked for an epidural, which I’m sure to this day is the reason I ended up with a c-section. I’ll never be able to reconcile my decision to get the epidural, but damnit, had she not violated my rights to have my body untouched, I never would have lost it like that.”
In what other situation would one human being put their hand (or instrument) in a woman’s vagina and do whatever they want and get away with it? Even if a woman consents, if it hurts her, if something is done she does not want or she is BEGGING them to stop, it is not OK. Ever. This is sexual abuse. This is birth rape. No man or woman should ever have their body violated in such a way. No doctor or midwife should feel they have the license to do it. No one should say it does not happen and tell women to get over it.
These things lead to traumatic experiences, post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. The amount of women with PPD and PTSD is much higher than realized. It is not hormones, it is trauma. It is abuse. It is rape. The trauma many women experience with their births is sickening and a lot women don’t even realize it. Why is this? The AMA, ACOG and media have made it ‘normal’. So many women have experienced it and told that this is just how birth is. Suck it up.
Many doctors set women up for failure. Whether they intentionally do it or not, depends on the doctor.  The road to interventions and abuse is like a tornado. You can get caught up in it, thrown around like a rag doll, and before you know it you are abused and traumatized. I recently expressed my thoughts on this while
watching 16 and Pregnant.
Inducing a woman because baby is ‘too big’, it is her due date, there is high or low fluids, baby is too small, baby is breech, and many other reasons doctors come up with is unethical and immoral. If there is a TRUE medical emergency to intervene, that is one thing, but the amount of times that is actually the case is slim.
Here is another BWF mama’s story:
My first baby was “due” June 23rd. On the 21st I had an appointment. My doctor stripped my membranes and told me she scheduled my induction for the following week. (No reason given). She told me to go home, have sex, walk and hopefully labor would start. I had some contractions, but nothing really. I started to wonder if I was in labor, so I went to the hospital. I was told my babies FHT were dropping and that they were keeping me over night. I stayed the night to be told in the AM that the doctor was going to “get this show on the road”. They broke my bag of waters and started pit. The nurse said “Dr. hopes to have this baby here by 5″. She knew I wanted natural (back then I didn’t associate pit and the AROM as unnatural, I was “young and dumb”).
I labored with pit naturally (had an amazing nurse). I was at a 4 and was told that I couldn’t relax enough and my doctor wanted me to have Nubane to help. They told me Nubane makes you feel like you have had a few drinks and won’t get to your baby. I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow. I had no control and that’s when the contractions were terrible! Dr. came at this point while I was drunk on drugs and could barely speak to do and exam. During the exam she put in an internal monitor ( I about came off the bed). I asked her what she was doing. “I am putting in the internal monitor”, she yelled. Then she looked at the monitor, said my contractions weren’t strong enough, and turned the dial a few clicks (it should be a click every 30-60 min). I had the most excruciating contraction. She looked at me and said “Now either you can have an epidural now or you can have one in an hour when I take your baby by c-section.
It was 3:30 at this point. I started crying. She wanted to know why I was crying. (Gee I don’t know…becuase you just said the 2 things I am absolutely terrified of in one sentence). I did the epidural. She came in at 4 and told me she wouldn’t be delivering my baby because she had prior obligations. My daughter was born at 9:03 that night. I was left feeling as though there was something wrong with my body. I asked her what went wrong and her response was, “some women just don’t labor well and you needed help”. Obviously, I have learned my body works just fine, thank you, and I am now a childbirth educator and hope to change the birthing world!
~Melissa Holstrom

Yes, women have to be responsible for educating themselves and speaking up. However, they are competing with a fear based model of care. They are being lied to. They are told their babies are in danger, that drugs won’t effect them or the baby and the next thing they know they are exhausted, mentally wore down, and their spirits broken. They become vulnerable and that is when interventions and abuse can easily happen. It happens to the most educated and strongest of women. It happened to me.
The thing is, birthing women are the ones who have to change this. It will not happen any other way.
What can you do?
  • Report any abuse. I know it is a vulnerable and emotional time, but we have to speak up.
  • Find a care provider that will listen to you and respect you. If you see any red flags and if your gut gives you the slightest uneasy feeling, switch providers ASAP. It is never too late.
  • Birth in a place you feel completely comfortable and empowered to make any choices for you and your baby.
  • Make sure your spouse is completely supportive and on board with your wishes.
  • Hire a doula and make it clear that you want them to speak up to you (you have to make all the choices) no matter what. When you are exhausted and fear is being put on you, this will be needed!
  • Do not start down the windy path of interventions. No unnecessary ultrasounds, cervical exams, etc.
Don’t ever worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. Don’t ever give in to anything you don’t want. Once you do, you make yourself the victim. There is a fine line between a traumatic birth and an empowering one. Don’t give your power away.


Philippians 4:6  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God(YHWH).

Luke 1:37  For nothing will be impossible with God(YHWH).”

2 Timothy 1:7 For God( YHWH) gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God(Elohim); I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Proverbs 16:3  Commit your work to the Lord(YHWH), and your plans will be established.

My Journey

I am not sure what condition I have. After the loss, plus the near death experience, I don't know what to do with myself. I began after I started recovering physically from the D & C and blood transfusions, to allow myself to emotionally process what happened. All of a sudden, I became so overwhelmed and did not want to be alone in the cottage with the children. I kept thinking what if something was to happen to me. I do not want the kids to be traumatized or have to be in a position where I need help and they have to call 911. I began to have fearful thoughts. These thoughts are not rational. I am recovering and I am fine. The thoughts manifesting itself into something real is so unlikely. I began developing anxiety and the anxious feeling would arise at random times.

This happened to me back in 2004. I had 4 small children under 5 years and my husband was traveling. I was left alone and developed a severe panic and anxiety condition. I did not take any medication. I learned to control my stress and find ways to cope. I also went on a journey to strengthen my relationship with the creator(Yahweh).  This in time healed me. The fear and physiological reaction ceased to exist.

Here I am 2 weeks after the Emergency D & C.  I am thinking about how much I bled. How I was in need of 2 bags of blood and fluids galore. My emergency surgery and my spinal adventure. I just cannot believe after 4 months of bleeding and not knowing if I would carry to term, the loss of my son, that all of this happened. I suffered a trauma. It is very possible I have post traumatic stress disorder with some depression. This feels like something that happened to someone else. It was a shocking and traumatic event. If you have not already read my story, you can find it on the miscarriage page.

The fact of the matter is what happened to me sucks. It sucks bad and it was unexpected. What i do know is the Most High blesses the doctors and medicine and my amazing team of birth professionals attended to me, fixed me, cared for me, and I still have my uterus. It sucks but, I am young and healthy. I am bouncing back well. I can still have years of more children. This is an amazing blessing. I am glad I have the option. I do not know If I want more children. Everyone around me is telling me to be done. That puts alot of pressure and sadness on me. Children are an amazing gift. From their perspective, I think they feel like I have been through enough and I need not suffer again. I choose to believe, the likely hood of me going through a miscarriage and hemorrhaging due to retained tissue is highly unlikely. I am thankful I still have my uterus.

Deuteronomy 31:8
 It is YHWH who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 
Blessed be YHWH and Father of our messiah Yahoshua, the Father of mercies and Elohim of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by YHWH. For as we share abundantly in Yahoshua's sufferings, so through mashiak we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
John 14:27 
Shalom I leave with you; my shalom I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

The revelation I came to was, for so long I was this person who wanted a baby so bad, then I became this pregnant woman that was bleeding and in and out of the hospital. I didn't know if I would lose my baby or go to term. I was on bed rest, depressed, and so sad. Then I became this mom to a little 16 week old baby boy who died. I buried him. Then I became this mom that was anemic and tired and just bleeding. Then I became this mom that had this rare experience of delayed hemorrhaging from the miscarriage and ended up with a blood transfusion and surgery, and just going through some wild crazy unexpected journey.

I am not her anymore. I can let that go. I am now a stronger, renewed mom to my 4 beautiful children. I am wife to my husband and life goes on. It has new meaning and new purpose.  I am recovering and getting physically stronger everyday.  Yes, what happened to me was sad, shocking, horrific, traumatic, and whatever but, I am alive, heathy, and  have my life and my uterus.
I am not that sad, depressed person going through this period of not knowing. I know I probably had placental abruption. I know I could've had retained tissue or placenta but, didn't want a D & C or anethesia. I know I ended up going through some of the worst fears I ever imagined surrounding childbirth. I know I don't have to be scared anymore because it happened and I made it through. I know my body is healing now. I am stronger.

I know my purpose. I know I want to be the best wife and mom I can. I know I want to be happy and thankful everyday. I know I want to be at peace with people and treat them with love and acceptance. I know we all make mistakes but, life is to short to treat each other like crap. I know I want to finish school and obtain a degree in counseling. I know I want to counsel the afflicted that have dealt with loss and trauma. I am content. I am at peace because, I know what I must do now. I am thankful I am healing.

What happens is we go through something and we cannot believe it happened to me, not me. We fight life, we fight the journey. We do not ride the wave and let it change us, let it grow us. Whatever our path to walk, we must take it up as the strong warriors we are and embrace it.
In life, like in childbirth, you know it hurts for some woman and its painful; some more than others. If you fight it and try and leave yourself, it will only intensify the pain. Many times in our ninth month, with the impending due date appraoaching, we get so anxious. Fear is from the unknown. We know every birth is different, so we never know what to expect.  This is life. We cannot live in a constant state of paralyzed fear because we cannot control what will happen. This will hurt your mind, your body, your relationships with people. We cannot stop what will be, but we can change our reactions. If we choose to embrace and surrender, we will grow and heal. I learned this from going through four unmedicated irths. I said to myself, I know this will hurt and I cannot stop it. This baby has got to come out. I am going to embrace the rushes (contractions) and just surreneder. I let go basically.
This is what I choose to do with this birth trauma.

It happended and it was not fun. It is over. I am not there anymore. I can move on if I choose. I do not want to be stuck there. I will grow and be stronger. I will be a better everything and take this gift and run with it. I cannot change what happened but, I will live with happiness and purpose. I will love more, hug more, just live life instead of it living me. I choose to walk away from that experience now.  I run free.


Counseling and Support Groups
I think I am gonna start a yahoo support group

Counseling Sessions
I found a counselor who deals with trauma, grief, and postpartum disorders. I think she might be the only counselor in the entire upstate area. She is a social worker or MSW. She also is certified in yoga. She seems very much into eastern meets western and incorporating yoga as therapy. She seems also to have extensive experience with trauma.

I like her office. It's very zen, warm, and calming. I have gone to therapy before and the offices never looked like this. My first session, I started to describe what brought me there with the trauma. I broke down. She stopped me and spent the next, what seemed like forever, minutes guiidng me to re-focus and work on my breath. It worked. She said, every time I get that angst and anxiety, she will re-focus me. What we concluded, alot of the fear, anxiety, and stress I am experiencing is from what is called a, 'collective fear". It is a result of the stories of the people surrounding my emergency and surgery and their fearful perspective.
What I remember from the event, was not what they told me. What I remember was being safe and protected. I felt the Most High was a cocoon of protection around me. I hardly rememeber alot of other things, conversations, etc. All the additional details, were from first hand accounts of those bystanders witnessing everything in fear and terror. Their account became my story and their fear became mine. This is brilliant. I never realized. My homework was to write a "collective account" based on what I was told, and "my account" based on what I remember and felt.

I am taking it slow. I am not experiencing a whole lot of anxiety presently. I do have nervous energy though. I recognize it and immediately look at what is a stressor and I change my environment, work on breathing, just go into a , I need to be in a calm, safe place and not overexert myself, lol , well, I try not to. I am still a mom of 4, homescooling. I try to just keep everything calm. I also drink my tonic tea. I often have trouble sleeping. I have been like that the past year or so. I have trouble just going to sleep and sleeping well. I made a tonic for helping with relaxing and sleeping. Two sips and I'm out. It's pretty effective. I also go to my bible passages for encouragement, can't forget that. It's real and it helps strengthen me. I know in time I won't be here. I just need to give myself time, however long it takes.

Treatments and Therapies

Nerve Tonic
Lemon balm

Depression and Sleeplessness Tonic
This tonic helps with depression and trouble sleeping, and anxiety
Lemon Balm (calming)
Catnip (relaxant)
Valerian (will help you fall asleep right away, start off with a little and adjust to find the right dosage)
Skullcap (sedative)
For more info on each herb visit herbs2000.com

Overcoming Fears and Phobias

I am two months past my due date of my miscarriage and six weeks following my emergency d & c. I went to counseling twice and they were two very productive and exceptionally helpful sessions. My therapist is very zen and also certified in yoga. She was definetly meant to be in my life and help me. I never met a therapist that I guess was not a standard therapist. This therapist used breathing and deep meditation techniques. I recommend you find someone like this.
Well, I am crying less. I have worked very hard in incorporating healing modalities into my life to help build me up physically by rebuilding my blood and combating my fatigue due to anemia. This is all apart of the process. I also want to feel happy again, stabilize my mood swings, overcome anxiety,and depression.
Techniques I am using are a combination of a raw/vegan mostly diet incorporating superfoods. Specific supplementation and yoga/pilates practice. I must say I feel kinda awesome. I was definetly at a point after the miscarriage where I truly believed I would never feel happiness again. I was so heartbroken and devastated. It did really help to have the two therapy sessions. I also have to say my husband works away so, I am sorta of going through this healing process on my own. It is also hard when you do not have anyone available to you that knows what you are going through so, I journal and pray alot. I talk to the Most High.


Postpartum Mood Disorders

Coming Soon!

Postpartum Depression

Coming Soon!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Coming SOon!

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